I admit, this has been out for a while but every time I read it I can't help but chuckle and everybody can use a good laugh these days.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.
Notes from an inexperience Chili taster named Frank, who was vising Texas from the East Coast.
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili Cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Manic Monster Chili:
Judge 1: A little to heavy on tomato, Amusing Kick.
Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato favor, Very mild.
Frank: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Frank's Afterburner Chili
Judge 1: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to walkie talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Lyra's Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Needs more beans.
Judge 2 A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The
barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting red faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Kin's Black Magic
Judge 1: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; beer goggles are definitely kicking in, just like this nuclear-waste that I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Will's Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne Peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick, very impressive.
Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can not longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The constant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. I wonder if I
am burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges keep asking me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Pete's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted. I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Halli's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I and worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap, to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it thru the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Lisa's Mount Saint Chili
Judge 1 The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Fella, wonder how he'd react to really hot chili.
Frank: (Judge 3 was unable to report).
